Take No Prisoners

All creatures came from God and therefore have a place in His kingdom. 

I believe that. I really do. 

But I'm hopeful that place is far from my celestial hut- should I merit even that- in reference to specific life forms. May deer frolic on my dirt floors and butterflies flutter about the straw roof. I would even find music in the occasion buzz of a mosquito or rattle of a diamond back. 

However, if I see even one cockroach scurry along the wall, I'll know I never achieved eternal glory. The roach and I are never being friends- no matter how many times Mikey tries to reconcile us. Since the day I moved into my little beach house in Rota I have had run ins with the aforementioned pests and every encounter has begun with Mikey taking a liking to them and calling them his 'friends' and ending in my finding a sturdy shoe and them meeting their Maker. I know Mikey is teasing me, but if he had lived through the horrors I have seen... I think he might be a little to shell shocked to joke. 

As a kid roaches were no big deal. We grew up in the middle of a cotton field with only two neighbors. I remember going out to feed the dogs and finding a few in their dog bowls. Per my parents instructions, I would flip the dishes over to get rid of them before putting food in. It didn't phase me. Sometimes you found cockroaches in garage and a mouse in the washing machine. That was life I credit my cool to my mom's example. She could stomp, squish, or break any germ filled creature that threatened her tidy house with never a scream or look of disgust. 

I blame of straying from the fearless view to straying from home. I was introduced to urbanization where the worst things are flies and dirty dishes. The older I got, the fewer I saw, and the more horror stories I heard about others encounters with the monsters from less tolerate folks. At one time I would have used a different adjective for the anecdote I'm about to tell, but the further from my roots I grew the less tolerant I was of the little monsters. 

Now I live in that  beach house I mentioned. It is ground level and easy access to you-know-who. I wasn't too worried about it. I wasn't going to let it live if I saw one, but I wasn't waging war either. That changed. Earlier this week- Saturday- I had come back home late from a potluck. I went to kitchen to put a few things away. I heard scurrying on the cabinets above my kitchen counter. I thought it might be a lizard- I've had a few of them sneak in. I looked up- followed the noise- saw the culprit- not a lizard. 

First: gross. Because it are on top of where I keep my food, not down by the feet were you normally see them. Second: no reason to loose your cool. You can handle this. I got my Raid and began to destroy the beast. 

I said beasts- that's right ladies, gentlemen, and hermaphrodites: plural. I knew I got one, but the other kept running around up there. I sprayed and sprayed and heard a small thump. It had escaped from the top and landed on my counter! I sprayed my bananas; I sprayed my pineapple; I sprayed my cast iron skillet; and finally, I sprayed that vermin until it flipped over on it's back- twitched a bit- and died. As I was cleaning up I heard little feet..lots of them. It was in my pan cupboard! I sprayed my cheese grader, I sprayed my Tupperware; I sprayed my deep dish skillet; and finally, I nail that little demon and put it on it's brown scaly back. 

Between fiends #2 and #3 I was cleaning up (not know about #3 yet) when I heard a very loud bang. My heard was already beating fast enough to keep time with a heavy metal band- now it was leaping like it wanted escape my chest and this nightmare. My nerves had a hard time believing it, but it wasn't a gunshot. I had doused my liter bottles of carbonated water in Raid and one exploded, hit the ceiling and spilled on the floor. I open and drained the others before a similar scenario could take place. Good thing, they were ready to wreak havoc and they did just that to face, arms and hair. 

That night I destroyed 6 cockroaches. My heart was pounding. I created a parameter of Raid around my bed and pleaded for divine help before falling into an uneasy sleep. The next night I annihilated another 4. I found one booking it down the middle of my hallway- not even bothering with the sides- so I chased it with Raid. I made a streak of it and laid so much on him when I finally caught up, that I nearly slipped and fell on my crack twice later that night while walking down the hall. 

I used to look on cockroaches with mild distaste. Not anymore- enemies until the bitter end. (Bitter on their part...and maybe mine too. I think I'm beginning to taste it in the air and it's not sweet.) 

I'm veteran now of a personal war the world will never know and I will never forget.

                                                                        Never.  

Magic and Covid in the Springtime

Like any self respecting heroine, I refused the offer of marriage the first time my fiance proposed to me. Unlike the classics, he didn't propose again. I called him up one night after watching Mary Kate and Ashley's "Billboard Dad" and told him I was ready to dive in. He was on a bus with his teammates headed to LAX to fly out to Fiji. He was elated! But he never proposed again. Despite sleeping though "North and South" and "Far from the Madding Crowd" he didn't realize a second offer was expected to be put forth. I blame myself. I never forced "Pride and Prejudice" down his throat. He rushed to Spain with a beautiful opal ring- simple. Just a gold band a round opal. It was exactly what I wanted. He gave me the ring- no big question attached- and a kiss. The opal fell out 3 days later when we went to get our engagement photos. We combed the beach, but we to allow it to 'rest in peace' and leave it in a place known as "100 metros". The next day we got a fake gold band for 3 euros from street vendor in Sevilla. It's currently resting on my ring finger as I type and it is the most comfortable band I could wish. I would hate to get another. 

A ring, some sunset picture and an announcement on Facebook- it was official! April 17, 2020 is my grandparents anniversary and was to become mine and Mikey's as well. Maybe Grandma June and Grandpa Pug wanted us to find our own special day. March 14 I got a message from work saying the USA Sectary of Defense had ordered all military to return to the city of their duty station and stay there until May 11. Very few exceptions could be made and it was made clear to me that our wedding wasn't one of them. Even if we wanted to elope there was no way to do it- Mikey couldn't get in the country! (We later found out Montana offers double proxy weddings to its residents and active duty military- but I am just slightly more romantic than to be married on the internet. This time I blame my mom for always having Pride and Prejudice playing.)

I got the news while at the Alhambra with my friends Jacque and Dena Weech. I was to return to the providence of Cadiz as soon as possible. We had planned to go to Italy and Madrid. But no more. Before heading back we stopped in Malaga to get our stuff from the Airbnb... and it was the end of the day so we spent the night there (I didn't want to drive at night through poorly lit roads). Dena and I got cheese cake from La Tarta De Madre de Cris. That was the last thing I remember tasting. It was delicious. What a blessing- the last taste in my olfactory's memory was a perfectly sweet and cheesy cake.

The next day I dropped Jacque and Dena off at the train station and went home to cry. I was sad enough that I had to say goodbye to people I love. The lose was aggravated by not being able to have the trip we had been planning, and postponing the wedding. 

I did not take the change to the wedding well. I denied it. I fasted that we would still be able to get married that day. Mikey and my family fasted with me. The date was symbolic to me- it meant a happy marriage like that of my grandparents. I had been very unsettled about getting married. I felt I had confirmation from the Holy Ghost that I could and it was be great... but I didn't know that I really wanted to get married. I wanted to do the right thing and everyone said this was the right thing. I also wanted to join the peace corps, get my doctorate, hike the Pacific Coast Trail (PCT), and not share my bank account! I wanted to flirt with everyone and be accountable to no one. I spent so much of my life thinking I wanted to get married, but when it came time- I really wanted a dog  and 401K. Being a party of one is fun! I'm glad I got to enjoy it for so long. 

Being able to finally say I would get married was difficult for me and when I found out I would have to wait I didn't think I could keep myself excited about it. I wondered if it was even the right thing to do. My stake president wondered the same thing- he almost didn't give my recommend. He thought I should wait until I was sure and not scared. I didn't think I would ever be able to move forward with out the fear in tow. 

That fear was crushing me. We decided to move the date to May 16. The Navy extended the stay in place order until May 24. The fear grew to cement around my legs pulling me down to the bottom of the Strait of Gibraltar. We decided to post pone the wedding indefinitely. 

Somewhere in the middle of the night after my friends left I woke up in sweat. I went the bathroom thinking I would vomit or explode out the other end. I sat on the toilet hugging my garbage can. No explosions from either end. I eventually felt better and went back to bed. The next day I noticed I could not smell the mushrooms, onions and garlic I had sauteing on the stove. I couldn't taste the peanut butter and chocolate chips on my spoon. I spent the next week trying to figure out what was causing it. I was doing saline rinses and taking vitamins. I tried local honey thinking it might be a seasonal allergy, even though I didn't feel congested. Nothing helped the ol' olfactory nerve. The vitamins probably helped in the long run.  

After about a week and 6 shifts at work my dad called me to tell he read an article that said lack of taste and smell could be a sign of covid19. I looked it up myself, called work and told them I wanted to get tested. They said don't worry about it. That wasn't a sign they were tracking. The next day I woke up to 6 missed calls and multiple messages. They wanted me to get tested. I suppose they changed their minds. They jammed a Q-tip into my brain, flew the test to Germany, and two days later the test result showed I was positive for Covid19. 

So I went into isolation. My stake president called, and was pretty gleeful that I was forced to postpone my marriage. He laughed and said it was God's will- I shouldn't get married if I wasn't 100% ready. I laughed too... but only because I'm a social laugher. 

My neighbors Denin and Linda Lopez got my groceries for me. My friend Mishel Flake also helped when I needed something extra. And countless other people offered- I wish I could list them all! Kathy Perrins let me play charades with her family on zoom and my command checked in regularly. People were looking after me. 

I was not. I was constantly thinking about me, but not great way- not in a helpful way. I had a 'why me?' attitude that melted into 'who cares if it is me?' and 'why bother wanting anything?' I didn't care if I got married or not. I didn't care what happened to me at all. My parents were very worried. My fiance didn't know how to help. I didn't care enough to worry. I still wonder how I could let something so small make me feel so terrible. I don't think it was really the repercussions of Covid19. I was scared about getting married and I didn't know how to feel better about it so I chose to feel nothing.

I had never felt so apathetic. Somehow after a while I decided I didn't want to feel that way. I did't want my parent worrying about me any more.  They had so much to juggle without my problems. I prayed and struggled and I got the inspiration to start a gratitude journal. 

Whoa. 

A lot of things had to happen for me to come back to life but I couldn't have regained consciousness if I hadn't started making a concentrated effort to be grateful. I turned around. I realized I was being blessed. I realized staying in isolation gave me more time with Mikey. He was in my time zone because he had just moved to England to play Rugby (which never happened thanks Corona shutting down the season). It was unfortunate he couldn't play but fortunate for us he could be so close with no where to be, just like me. We worked out in the mornings and had a date night in the evenings. We had Movie Mondays, Trivia Tuesdays,  Wishing Wednesdays (planning our futures) and other date alliterations I can't remember. Sometimes we read scripts together. We spent other nights studying new subjects like the 7 minute workout, Alpaca farming and earth shelters. We did Whole 30 together and a 100burpees/day challenge. I don't think I had ever been so healthy.

I would have not had the opportunity to spend so much time (through video calls) with Mike if not for my isolation. It was a blessing! Every week I had to go and get retested at the hospital and I would hope to be positive still so we would have more time together. I tested negative three times and each time I was relieved when the second test was positive. 

I was really enjoying my time at home but I was still only 65% interested in getting married. I felt like I could take it or leave it and if Mike decided he wanted to leave I would be fine. I wanted to manage my own life, travel, and be a free spirit! One night a couple weeks into isolation my lover asked me some tough questions, and I was painfully honest. Not that I ever lied before, we just didn't talk about it much. I admitted that I thought I would be fine without him and I wasn't so sure marriage was what I really wanted. I though it was right. I really cared about him. But I wasn't excited about the alter. So he said we should break up. I agreed. We cried. We hung up. I cried some more. I assume he did the same. 

I wanted to call my parents and tell them the wedding was off, but I couldn't bring myself to it. It would be so disappointing and they seemed to have a lot of stress to manage without me. So I read my scriptures, thought and prayed. It was my chance to choose an alternative ending. I looked up the peace corps. I though about dating again. I considered where I would go for school. But I did so listlessly. I didn't want to do those things without Micheal. Dreaming of a future together was exciting and made me feel hopeful. Planning alone was lonely at best. There was just no kick to it- white rice with not even  a dash of salt. 

The next morning- Easter Sunday- I was transcribing my Grandma June's journal. She was 18 and dating everyone in her world including my grandpa. In one entry she stated in reference to my grandpa " I wish I wasn’t so dissatisfied. I know he’s the best one". I related to that statement so well. Why was I so unwilling to be satisfied and happy? That day I focused on Christ, His Atonement, the gospel, etc. I really wanted to enjoy Easter Sundays with Mikey and our family someday. All other options sounded dull. I found for myself that I didn't want an alternative ending. I wanted to begin a life with the best man I knew: Micheal Paseka Te'o. I didn't think he would want to talk to me so I left him a message.

He did want to talk to me so he called me back. He told me he regretted the turn of events. He had begun scheming to come to Spain (no foreigners were allowed into the country), come to my house (no trains or public transport in operation to get from the airport to Rota), leave flowers on my front with a note indicating I should meet him at the beach (beach was off limits to everyone and I wasn't allowed to leave my house). The details needed so work, but the intention was great- it made me laugh and warmed my heart. We agreed what we had was worth fighting for and we both wanted to fight for it. The whole drama lasted about 15 hours. I'm glad I didn't tell anyone!

Things were really great when I started penning my reasons to be grateful. They turned wonderful when I converted the journal to "reasons why I love Mikey". I was completely committed now, and so happy. This is the point where we started making alliteration dates and being super cheesy with each other. April 17- the original wedding date- Mikey dressed up in a suit and tie, got flowers and recited a poem he wrote me. He puts the time in to make our relationship special. Sometimes I still have little doubts buzz around in my brain, but I swat them down like the annoying useless pests they are to me. 

I really enjoyed my isolation; however, during that time, I discovered that I had perioral dermatitis exacerbated by overuse of steriods from being misdiagnosed a few times. I stopped the steroids, and got a cream specific to the problem perscribed to me. My face was blistered around the mouth, creases, eye lids and nose bridge. It itched and looked awful, but I was grateful to find out about it and take care of it while I was alone. My car battery died and I couldn't get it fixed while was still positive, but I didn't have anywhere to go. The hospital sent a van to pick me up for my tests. I was fine. 

On 25Mar2020 sometime around 0330 I woke up from the brightness of the lighting outside, twice. The second time I notice the sound of water moving and thought it might be my portable heater- it tended to make bubbling sounds. I reached down to find the adapter and turn it off. I felt water. I got up walked to the door to flip on the lights- which were still working- and to see the water that was up a little above my ankles! It was murky, brown and sporting an occasional dead cockroach. I knew the water was coming from outside. I thought the whole town was flooding so I called my department head, LT Megan McKim, for direction. She was very much asleep and not being flooded. She notified the command and came over to help me. I made the mistake of opening the door to see what was going on outside and inadvertently opened the flood gates that I could not shut until the water outside and in were equal- which was about 1 1/2 ft of water, or up to my upper calf. 

I tried to save what I could. I made sure my food processor was on higher ground. I packed fruits and my grandma's journal; too many sweatpants and not enough t-shirts. At one point I open the bathroom door to see a my literature box floating around and a cockroach holding on with all it had to the magazine poking out highest from the box. I didn't realize it then but I have since spent a considerable time comparing that insect's life to my own. Both of wanted creatures- him with being a creature of the sewer and me with covid 19- him with brown hairy legs and long antenas, me with my perioral dermatitis- both of us confused and being flooded out, wondering how to survive it. Would we survive? Later I saw the box was knocked over the roach floating lifeless in the bathroom ocean. Hopefully he died. 

I however did not go down with that ship. LT McKim came and helped me use my reasoning to pack correctly and turn off gas and power. On the way out I rang my my neighbor Alex's doorbell and shouted his name a few times. I assumed he wasn't home because I didn't see the light come on. I later found out he woke up very confused and was hurriedly trying to get clothes on to answer the door. He finally stepped out of bed to find himself wading in his lake house. Across the street Linda and Denin had lost power and were trying to place things on higher shelves and figure out where they were going to go. I was really worried about them finding a place to stay and tried calling everyone I knew from church. Not many people answer their phones at 0400. They ended up finding a place on base so it turned out ok, was tough to leave them- but covid monster that I was- I had to be contained!

 

Lt McKim took me to the hospital isolation room where I did not sleep. I spent the time answering and sending calls. Bless McKim- she brought Whole30 compliant food from her home for me. What forethought and kindness! I could barely think enough to pack my toothbrush. My landlords got cleaners over that day and they started working on my house and my neighbor Alex's. McKim picked me up around 1500 and helped me gather things in my house, throw stuff out, and clean some. She then took me to the barracks where I was able to spend the night and use the laundry for free. I had all five washers going. Sorry to anyone else who had laundry that night. Thank you to LT McKim. She gave up her weekend, sleep, and manual labor to help me. The charity of it is not lost on me. 

Monday I was able to move back into my house. I still had covid19 so I had all the time in the world to work on cleaning. If it had to happen, I'm glad it did when I had the time to deal with the mess. Thankfully I had renters insurance, great landlords, and I don't own anything I couldn't surrender and be fine living without. I was able to save my Grandma June's diary and I think that was one of the few things I really wanted to preserve. I feel like I was pretty blessed. It wasn't a fire, I moved right back in, and I hadn't much to loose anyways. 

My perioral dermatitis was getting better. I was tasting and smelling a little bit more. My house might have mold, but it looked clean. I was feeling great. Mikey had one week left before he had to go back to the states. I would miss having so much time together but I got the feeling I was beating covid19. 

My intuition was on to something. The Saturday before Mikey left I had two negative tests It had been 7 weeks of testing positive I was free of our modern pandemic! At least physically- it continues to wage war on every other part of my life. I elated when I got the news from Preventative Medicine. First thing I wanted to do was buy my own groceries. Mishel drove over to jump my car. After letting it run a decent while I took my smurf blue panda fiat (Ping) out on the town. Right away something was wrong. Before getting to the open road I got out to inspect and realized my back tire on the driver's side wasn't moving. I had no idea what to do. I called Denin and Linda. Denin called a friend who gave some ideas that didn't work. It looked like I would need to get it towed- I was blocking out street. 

Linda told me I had the worse luck and not to argue with her. That whenever she thought to complain she would remember I had it worse. I denied it and said I did not and something would work out- although it was difficult to believe when I was so close to progress and I was halted 30 feet from my house. As we were looking over the car and trying to find a mechanic that would be open on a weekend in Spain (very rare thing) in the middle of the covid chaos, a couple of Americans passed by carrying a couch to the garbage pickup area. They came over to see what was wrong. They happened to be air force aircraft mechanics! Exactly the people I needed, and at just the right time. Heaven took notice of me. I was so grateful. They found my tire was so rusted it wouldn't move- probably from being flooded. They got me going and I was able to get some shopping done. 

The battery died again the next day, but with another jump, I was able to get it into a shop. Besides the weird smell from being flooded, Ping is doing fine. 

And so am I. I have grown and become more willing to let God direct my path. I have become more in command of my life and decisive in my choices. I notice the goodness more readily. I feel excited about getting married and bless to have Mikey by my side. I am more patient... 

But I really hope we can get married soon. I see people getting little civil wedding left and right and think "if only it were so easy..." but worthwhile things are sometimes a bit of work. Hopefully not much more work. Honesty, this virus has got to go. 

I have nothing more to say, but I am not satisfied with this ending. We still aren't married! I am still stuck in Spain. Not much has changed except my perspective and smaller facial rash. Which will have to be good enough for now. There is no really ending to eternity anyways- I suppose this will just be a brief interlude.

When this "I do" does happen- I'll be sure to fill you in. 

But until then

Wash your hands.