Wednesday, May 31, 2017

1000 "Friends"

Humanity, I've done it. I've reached a status I never before thought to obtain. I've officially made 1000 friends on Facebook.

When I say I never thought to obtain this goal, I did't mean that I thought it was impossible for me. I just never thought about it. Why would I? Does having a certain number of virtual friends really mean anything about my social status or worth as a human being? Facebook seems to think so. Once I had finally clicked myself into that social bracket, the before mentioned social medium sent me this salutation:

Did you read what Facebook said about me? I made the world closer. I have accept people of all types. The type that want to turn Facebook into their political debate center. The type that only adds selfies they took in front of the mirror at the gym (or is that more of an Instagram thing?) The type only added you so that they try and sell you something (I swear if one more of you tries to add me to your "lipsense" group I will delete you- even if it means going down to 999), the kind that never posts and might be stalking you (but hopefully not- adding them is not never on purpose). In short, I have taken them all under my wing and accepted them for who they are. Why? Is it because I am so benevolent and open mind? No, it's because having more friends on social media makes me feel like I'm really somebody. I've made it in a way I never could in high school, college, work...really anywhere besides my mother's eyes.

Is that stupid? No comment. I haven't always been this way! There was a time I cared about real relationships. I believe that was about 145 friends ago. I still cared but I began to think about how the people with more Facebook friends seemed to be more popular in real life as well. At around 965 friends thing were getting intense, and although I didn't just accept every request, I was getting pretty animated about adding new numbers into my tally box.

999 showed up on my homepage and I was overwhelmed. I was so close, but yet so far. Because whoever friend number 1000 was could be just any old chum. This person had to be truly close to me. Someone I would remember forever. But who?

I fretted for days. One night at work I was pondering this question out loud and one of the corpsman pointed out that we were not Facebook friends. This was a pretty good person and one I felt it would be an honor to have as friend 1000. So he sent me the request and in front of a few friends at church I accepted to the sound of  their applause. (You think I'm kidding? People were clapping, I was running imagery bases and giving high fives. Fact.)

The next day I got online to take some photos of my significant number for this blog post and to my surprise I found I only had 999! Some bitter heart had the gull to unfriend me. WHY? What have I ever done in my life to offend them so terribly that they would deprive me of this moment?

It was scramble to find a special new friend. Fortunately there was someone close to me that I had only befriended in 3D- my surrogate mother here in California.  I sent a request, she added me. What a relief! With all the grief and pain in this world, at the very minimum I can find peace in knowing that I have some popularity in this world.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming in my head as the coils of loneliness constrict and suffocate my pour aching heart.

In moments like these there is only one thought that saves me- the one that gently soothes "There there little plebeian, you're not alone, you have a 1000 friends on Facebook!!!" The tentacles are released and I can breath easy again knowing that if anything were to happen to me I have plenty of buddies read about it on social media.

Because that's what my 1000 computer companions would do for me.

I just checked my Facebook...

I was so close. So close.


What's going to save me now?!?!?

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The Online dating series: To Plan Z and Beyond

And I'm back!

The desire to reintroduce the world to my 'inspiring' writing was recently reawakened. And by recently, I mean about two months ago- which is recent right?

I would have begun jotting things down two months ago, but I couldn't think of a blasted thing I actually wanted to share. Then it happened today as I was scrubbing dishes- there is one subject I have become very familiar with: Online dating. 

One might even say I've become 'expert', but that one person doesn't know what they're talking about, because if I was expert I would be blogging about engagement rings and fancy pillow mints. Gushing about my happily ever after. 

That is not a subject that will be broached for sometime- much to the dismay for my parent and their future grandchildren who are so anxious to get down here to Middle Earth.
Hey, it's not like I haven't been trying to give those little tikes a mortal body. Like I said, I have been playing my hand at internet dating. 

Dating via key pads and glowing screen was not my first choice, in fact it wasn't even a last resort, but when plan Z fails you gotta start using the Chinese alphabet. 

When did this all begin? How did my life come to this point? 

I moved to Carlsbad California. For those of you unfamiliar with the area it's a beachy tourist town home to hipster restaurants, hobos, billionaries, sand, ocean, and marines. Yes marines, but Mormon ones? Not so many. And the ones that are LDS are SOOOO amazing, but also enlisted (because I'm an officer they are taboo) and much MUCH younger than myself. This makes dating difficult. I love my singles ward, but it more like a family... a small family... and I'm one of the older children.

So now can you see why I should be writing profiles and gushing about my accomplishments on the web? If you can, then you are much keener than myself. I did not make this decision on my own.

Sometime in April I went in to see a member of my stake presidency to renew my temple recommend. Like the good man that he was he also took the time to ask about my life and specifically my dating life. At this time I was the 'new girl' (for the first time in my life and feeling pretty cool about it). So I had a couple leads, but nothing too promising.

During that that chat President Blunt (names have been changed for the amusement of the author) gave me some advice that I will treasure forever... or at least a long while.

He looked me in the eye and straight forwardly stated "Clara, you have a lot going for you. You seem fairly easy going, you have a testimony, and you're not too bad looking. I gave you about 2 years. You can be picky for 2 years then you just need to take whatever comes long."

No one had ever given me that opinion- thought I'm sure many thought it. I appreciated his words. He made himself memorable to me. But I didn't except the same from him. I was a member of a vast congregation and I wan't hurt that I wouldn't be set apart from crowd.

How wrong I was! The next time I saw him was the adult session of stake conference. He came down and after the meeting and asked me if he could set me up with some of the single men in the ward that he might come across.

    Side Note: I love being set up on blind dates. I really don't understand how blind dates get a bad         rep. Someone who loves you, wants you to go out with someone else they think are amazing.               HELLO, it's a great way to meet people that are interesting, fun, and build you up.

So on that note I was more than ready to accept the offer.

Unfortunately it did not bare fruit. The next time I saw President Blunt he regretfully informed me that once you get to my age the men come with more baggage than he thought I needed to be carrying. Now we all know that there are amazing men out there  with suitcases or free handed that are a little bit older and single. But Pres. B wasn't running into them. He made the suggestion that I try online dating. I have tried that before and I groaned inside at the suggestion.

"President Blunt, I've tried that before and it didn't go anywhere. I hate being on the computer all the time and it doesn't go anywhere!"

"I know, I know. But just give it a try."

(Eyes rolling and with an exasperated sight) "Fine. But give me one more month. If nothing happens after a month then I'll give it another chance."

"Alright, one month".

You might be able to guess what happened in a month. I got really into body surfing and nearly got paralyzed in the water. HA! Did you guess that? No? I didn't think so!!!

And no, I didn't find true love. I watched a lot of chick flicks alone in my apartment and sat in corners at single adults activities, but despite these efforts I was still...alone.

And so the the cyber adventure began!