Wednesday, May 31, 2017

1000 "Friends"

Humanity, I've done it. I've reached a status I never before thought to obtain. I've officially made 1000 friends on Facebook.

When I say I never thought to obtain this goal, I did't mean that I thought it was impossible for me. I just never thought about it. Why would I? Does having a certain number of virtual friends really mean anything about my social status or worth as a human being? Facebook seems to think so. Once I had finally clicked myself into that social bracket, the before mentioned social medium sent me this salutation:

Did you read what Facebook said about me? I made the world closer. I have accept people of all types. The type that want to turn Facebook into their political debate center. The type that only adds selfies they took in front of the mirror at the gym (or is that more of an Instagram thing?) The type only added you so that they try and sell you something (I swear if one more of you tries to add me to your "lipsense" group I will delete you- even if it means going down to 999), the kind that never posts and might be stalking you (but hopefully not- adding them is not never on purpose). In short, I have taken them all under my wing and accepted them for who they are. Why? Is it because I am so benevolent and open mind? No, it's because having more friends on social media makes me feel like I'm really somebody. I've made it in a way I never could in high school, college, work...really anywhere besides my mother's eyes.

Is that stupid? No comment. I haven't always been this way! There was a time I cared about real relationships. I believe that was about 145 friends ago. I still cared but I began to think about how the people with more Facebook friends seemed to be more popular in real life as well. At around 965 friends thing were getting intense, and although I didn't just accept every request, I was getting pretty animated about adding new numbers into my tally box.

999 showed up on my homepage and I was overwhelmed. I was so close, but yet so far. Because whoever friend number 1000 was could be just any old chum. This person had to be truly close to me. Someone I would remember forever. But who?

I fretted for days. One night at work I was pondering this question out loud and one of the corpsman pointed out that we were not Facebook friends. This was a pretty good person and one I felt it would be an honor to have as friend 1000. So he sent me the request and in front of a few friends at church I accepted to the sound of  their applause. (You think I'm kidding? People were clapping, I was running imagery bases and giving high fives. Fact.)

The next day I got online to take some photos of my significant number for this blog post and to my surprise I found I only had 999! Some bitter heart had the gull to unfriend me. WHY? What have I ever done in my life to offend them so terribly that they would deprive me of this moment?

It was scramble to find a special new friend. Fortunately there was someone close to me that I had only befriended in 3D- my surrogate mother here in California.  I sent a request, she added me. What a relief! With all the grief and pain in this world, at the very minimum I can find peace in knowing that I have some popularity in this world.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming in my head as the coils of loneliness constrict and suffocate my pour aching heart.

In moments like these there is only one thought that saves me- the one that gently soothes "There there little plebeian, you're not alone, you have a 1000 friends on Facebook!!!" The tentacles are released and I can breath easy again knowing that if anything were to happen to me I have plenty of buddies read about it on social media.

Because that's what my 1000 computer companions would do for me.

I just checked my Facebook...

I was so close. So close.


What's going to save me now?!?!?