Lately I've been hearing a radical idea spread around that mothers should take a day off every now and again. Let me put everything straight for you: moms may need some time off but we should never give it to them. Never ever let your mother leave the house without you. We children run a muck on our own. Just because I'm 21 doesn't mean I can take care of myself... and my brothers.... and my dad. These people require a professional. I haven't even reached the amateur level- I'm just an apprentice! I can't run a home on my own, I can't even make reasonable decisions without executive guidance.
So, my mom took a week off to travel up to Montana so she could help her parents out. What? Trust me they are all grown up, they're fine- I need you! But she left anyways. During this critical time I received a job offer for a home health agency that works with disabled kids. Accepted- this job was perfect for me. Great way to spend my time before the old mission. Training was an hour and a half away in Northern Phoenix, but that was no big deal. I only got lost one time before I got there! Training went great. I headed back to my car, but as I going I realized I locked my keys in the car... again. So my dad drove out during rush hour and brought the keys. When we got home I walked into the house (late and having missed my institute class again) where the aroma of orange blossoms mingled with the stench of my burnt slow cooker chili. I found an email for another job offer as a nanny. It looked suspicious but I didn't want to go back training in northern Phoenix. So I quit respectable job one for fishy job two.
And it's a good thing I did! On the day I was supposed be at training I was cleaning the kitchen when I walked passed the laundry room. I glanced a something on the ground that resembled large wheat grain. On closer inspection I realized they were moving. They were super sized maggots. ALL OVER THE LAUNDRY FLOOR, creeping into the kitchen, crawling around the sewing room and eeking their way into the bathroom. And there was me. I stared at them, they crawled around. I wondered what to do, they multiplied. I tried to find maggot killer, they moved their furniture in. Then my mom called.
She asked "why aren't you at training?"
"Because I took that job you told me not to take, but I've got bigger problems right now. Listen- there is an invasion of these alien worms in the laundry room and I don't know what to do about them"
"Oh dear, get the vacuum and hose them up"
Genius. I love that lady.
I think they grow out of the walls. I spent three hours vacuuming them up. Then I pulled everything out, smoked our stuff in the sun, and Cloroxed the floors. I am so glad I was home that day.
Eventually my mom came home so the boys and I decided it was ok to breath again.
So I started a long correspondence with my new employer. Allegedly he was a man named Mr. Gruny from Scotland who was moving to America to work on a project for the Witness Protection. I told him that I didn't live in the area (he said he was moving to Phoenix), I lived in Gilbert. So he said he was moving to Gilbert and he was sending a check. Part of it I was supposed to deduct for my pay the other part I was to pay to Western Union. Did I mention he had horrible grammar? The check came in an envelope without a return address. And it was NOT from Scotland. The addresses on the check made that clear. No worries I didn't cash the check. I work for Kumen learning center now. It's a very respectable establishment. I grade papers and tutor kids. Yes, I've been duped- but I haven't been beat. Who has the last laugh now Mr. Gruny? Me that's who because I did get a job and your check is still waiting for a home. Ha!
Ok, so I was really stupid about that, but if my mom had stayed home none of this would have happened!
I'll let you know when I get my mission call.