Sunday, November 13, 2011

Defeating the Hamburger

It was a cold and snowy day. I could feel the icy air traveling down my trachea weaving its way to my heart where icicles were already forming. My cold heart was fettered to its path while the rest of my body begged I relent from this foolish endeavor. "Turn back while there's still time!" my mind warned; "spare me, I cannot bare the load!" my GI tract pleaded; "have pity on those who have worked tirelessly in your service, use us to walk another path- don't make us take another step in this direction!" was the haunting of my feet.
Still I pressed on. Against all logic I called upon the strength of my unwilling arms to push the doors open. I stepped in. The smell of frying atheromatous plaque reminded me that this was exactly the place I should not be. I sat down. I placed my order. I waited. Pictures of past fools were hanging on the wall of fame to my right. "The 1 Pound Challenge", "The 2 Pound Challenge", "The 3 Pound Challenge" it read all the way up to 6 pounds. I was already sick.
But what could I do? To turn back on was cowardly- I could not. What was taking them so long to bring me my fate? Then it came:
The hamburger, stared up at me mockingly. There was only one way to wipe that smug smile off it's taunting face: eat it. So with great bravado I hid my intimidation and bit in. One bit was followed by a second until it was the burger that wore the look of fear. But words are meaningless to describe such a battle. See the highlights yourself:
 I ate a ¾
 ½ gone
 Indeed, it was barbaric.
1/4 is all that remains
I won. My body hates me. I go to the gym and run 6 miles. My body labels me repugnant to its sense of wholesome decorum. The end result: I vow to never again to embark on the quest of fools. What are they trying to prove by eating more then we’re given natural capability? Does it prove valor, courage, or tenacity? No it proves you’re a monster. A fiend of the fast food chain. Big Judd’s has conquered me- I am now on their wall of shame, but I can promise this: that is the last time I will take on such a dare.


  1. sorry I couldn't get the pictures to load. You'll just need to believe that I ate it.

  2. Clara! I respect you so much right now. Both for eating the hamburger and also for vowing never to do it again...alas I never have completed the challenge, but I keep trying and trying and trying and trying and trying....